I haven't done so well

Those damn resolutions. I really didn't say I was making any but that I wanted to purge things from my basement which has scared me for years now. I even thought that it would be easier if I did it one area at a time and not overwhelm myself with the thought of the WHOLE basement. So by now I thought I'd have the pantry done. Nope, it ain't done. So, I look ahead towards February and hope for the best.

Haven't done the church going thing either since a couple week ago. Here are my excuses for the past two weeks-wanna hear them? We had to take Evan's party to London since Liz had just had her surgery 2 days prior. I needed my morning to get everything together that we were taking out for it. Today I needed to grocery shop and clean for the coming week. My mom is coming in to stay with Mike and Evan and help with school pick up and dinner for the boys. It's nice that she agreed to come in and it will nice for Evan to spend some time with her. I just didn't want him going to someone's house every day after school and get all wound up and then get home later than normal. Trying to keep things as normal as possible. Last time I went away for a few days to San Diego with my girls he was still in pre-school and life was easier then! I'm hoping not to have any more church excuses. I think the next one we're going to try is Worthington Methodist just up the street from us. I just want to try a bunch of different ones and see which fits the best for us.

Weather report for the week in Florida-sunny, partly cloudy but in mid to high 70s!

My kid kills me. I told him that I'd miss him so much that my heart will hurt. He said he'll missed me so much that his heart will break. Awwww.

The countdown has begun

I am off to Florida in 4 days and counting. Right now the weather channel is forecasting temps in the 70s. Ahhhhh, I can't wait. I don't care if it's raining or cloudy-all I know is that it will be a heck of alot warmer than it is here!

Never again..........

This is Evan's best friend Andrew

............will I have a birthday party at my house in the middle of
winter. I will pay whatever it costs to have it someplace else like I did last year. What was I thinking? The party was from 6-9 and at 7 I was having Mike open a bottle of wine for me. We lost control shortly after it started. It was a very cold day so I think we were dealing with little boys that had been cooped up in their houses all day.

The birthday extravaganza continued into Sunday with the family celebration out in London. He was asleep about 5 minutes after we pulled out of their driveway. Of course he was up at 7 the next morning-a school holiday-wanting to play with his new toys.

I've not been able to stop thinking about the little baby who died last week. I went to his service Friday afternoon and was an absolute mess. It all started when I read a letter that the mom had written to the baby that was posted in the bulletin. I will share it one day-I want to get mom's permission first. She had tons of pictures around the church and items that she had collected from their 3 months in the NICU-all items that I knew too well. I know it would of been hard to attend this service regardless of the day but having it on Evan's birthday really was too much. She was grateful that I made the trip and that's all that matters.

Evan's Birthday

January 18th, 2001-11:41 a.m. Evan entered my world and my life has never been the same. What a day that was. I was so drugged and out of it in the delivery room so I didn't think it odd that the baby wasn't crying. I couldn't even remember that we had a boy-I kept asking Mike over and over again what we had. He was born at 11:41 and I think they brought him in my room about 1 right before they took him to Children's-all I could do is look at him in the incubator. They took a Polaroid of him for me to have (I slept with it under my pillow) and then they took him away. I told Mike to go with the baby and I think my brother and sister went too. My parents stayed with me but I really have no memory beyond that other than Mike calling me at 10:30 p.m. or so crying and saying that they had to paralyze him. He was in the OR at 3 p.m. and he coded. Thank God I didn't know that until much later.

I think back and am so grateful for all the prayers that were said for Evan that day and many days after, for the support and love that people showed us. We would not have made it through if it weren't for our family and friends and those complete strangers from across the country that prayed for Evan.

I am overwhelmed with emotion each and every birthday that he has celebrated. So thankful to God for him.

Today will be a hard though as I have to go to a memorial service for a darling little boy named Jeremiah. He was born on Sept. 21st with some medical issues and over the course of the 3 months that he was in the NICU, I got to know his mom. She was single, young but so very dedicated to that little boy. They were discharged on Dec. 21st. and all was good. He went home with a feeding pump but in the grand scheme of things, not such a big deal. Anyhow, he was at the hospital Friday to have his feeding tube replaced and while he was a bit whiny Friday night, his mom said he was fine. She was up at 5 .m. on Sat. morning to turn off his feeding pump and he was smiling at her. At 7 a.m. he was gone. I can't even begin to imagine what his mom is going through. I talked with her the other day and she seemed o.k. but I can only imagine that she's just going through the motions right now. She asked me to come to the service-how could I say no. So, I will take a deep breath and enter that church and celebrate that little boy's short life and say a silent prayer of thanks for Evan.

Guess what I did today

Wait for it.................we went to church. No, lightning did not strike nor did the walls cave in.

We have gone on and off since we got married. We had just started to look for a church before Evan was born and then after his birth, we wouldn't even consider taking him anyplace with the trach/feeding tube. So, we started looking again about 3 years ago. Went for awhile to my old church in Worthington but early last year we went sporadically to one here in Clintonville. I enjoy going to church-I know it's something that I need-and I feel good afterwards. I have to admit that once you get out of the habit, it's very easy to just sleep in on Sunday morning and not have it be part of your life. I just want to find a place and commit to it-I want Evan to be exposed to Sunday school and church and I want to be a part of a church community again. I want a place with an active childrens/youth ministry. Evan was baptized when he was 13 days old in the hospital, the night before they repaired his esophagus,but I want him to be baptized again in front of a congregation.

I went to church and Sunday school every Sunday while growing up and it was such a huge part of my life. Youth group every Sunday night from 7th grade on. Most of my friends were from church/youth group and to this day I am still close to my "core" group-we have known each other since I moved to Worthington back in 1972 when I was in 3rd grade. We all went to Worthington high school (my parents moved to London at the beginning of my senior year) and supported each other-that was a hard place to be if you weren't rich and popular. My "church" friends were there for me when my parents separated when I was a freshman and again as a sophomore-when they sold the house, my home, the place we all would gather-when they were heading for a divorce. The church was my refuge at that time. I want Evan to experience that sense of fellowship. I not only want that for him, but I want and need that for myself as well.

Friday Night Lights

Oh, I love this show. If you get a chance to watch it, it's on Friday at 9 on NBC. I usually tape it and I just finished watching it a little while ago. Now, along with the show being really good, I also enjoy a couple of the men on the show too. Well, one is probably young enough to be my son (on the top) but the other is Kyle Chandler who is around my age. He just gets BETTER with age. sigh...............................

The last day

Monday will be Evan's last day with Jean, his speech therapist. I'm still kind of in shock that it's coming to an end for now. We've been seeing Jean since spring of 2002-he was still a baby! She told me last week that she really doesn't feel that he needs weekly therapy anymore. His test scores are where they are suppose to be (if not above) for his age and she feels as though he's doing great and has made tremendous progress. She has assured me that I can call or email her at any time and she will always make room for him if I feel as though we need to come back. Our plan for now is to wait and see what Dr. Cotton and the voice clinic has to say in December (our next visit to Cincinnati) and go from there. At one point, Dr. Cotton talked about laser surgery to remove the scar tissue on his vocal cords. Who knows when that can or will happen so for now I just don't think about it!

I'll never forget that day in November of 2001, sitting across the room from Dr. Cotton after his first exam of Evan's airway. He told us his was a very challenging and complicated one and that he couldn't tell us if he'd ever have a voice or not. Now I can't get him to shut up! God is good.