Merry Christmas!

The Last Day

My dad and my sweet boy on the last day my father was alive.  Sept. 5th, 2005.  I have never seen this picture until today.  As you can imagine, it brought tears to my eyes.  I miss him every day.

Ned and Jim

My dad was an only child and he was extremely close to his older cousin Ned, also an only child. They were more like brothers rather than cousins.  Ned is gay and my dad was always accepting of that.  Ned has a partner-his name is Jim-and they've been together for over 50 years. Many heterosexual couples don't stay together as long as they have.  They have been in my life my entire life.  We share so many memories.


Here we are at the Slifer House in PA. Ned is in front, my dad in the middle with my grandma and Jim to the right of Dad

Ned was diagnosed with Alzheimer's a few years ago.  He has remained in their home with Jim being his one and only caregiver.  The two of them lived a lonely life-they relied on each other for everything and didn't really reach out to too many people. I suppose I can't blame them.  I'm sure life was hard for them in the beginning-people were not very accepting nor understanding back in the 50s. 

Unfortunately, Jim had a stroke about 3 weeks ago.  We were made aware of this by a social worker from the hospital Jim was taken to. They ended up admitting Ned as well since they couldn't leave him at the house alone.  My mom is listed as Ned's contingent power of attorney for any medical decisions so the social worker tracked her down.  They couldn't keep him there though and he was shortly moved to the dementia unit of a nearby nursing home.  Jim remained in the hospital for a few more days and was then moved to another facility.  Jim has an older sister (he is 83, his sister is 87) and she has been making decisions for him.  We don't know much about her but we don't think they were very close.  So, we decided to make a trip to Williamsport PA to visit them as well as meet with their attorney and Ned's financial POA at their local bank.  Mom, my brother Jay and I left on Thursday and returned Saturday.  It was a whirlwind trip full of memories, tears and even some laughter. 

Our first stop on Friday morning was to see Ned at the nursing home.  An aide took us to him and told him he had visitors.  I was the first one he saw and he immediately said "I don't know you" which made me sad. Of course I understood but it was sad nonetheless.  He knew Mom though and then as soon as she told him who I was and who Jay was, he knew us and remembered us the entire visit.  He started to cry which of course made me want to cry.  Most of our visit went well-you wouldn't know there was anything wrong. We actually had some laughs just like the old days.  Until the subject of home was brought up.  No, he didn't even mention Jim which I suppose was good because up until that point I was afraid Ned was scared and wondering where Jim was.  He brought up his mother and aunt (my grandma) and wondered why they didn't call my mom to tell her where he was.  Mom had to tell him they were gone and had been for a long time.  She also had to remind him that Dad was gone too.  He started sobbing and it just about broke my heart.  Unfortunately, it was not the first time during the visit that we had to tell him they had all died.  He also cried when we left and my first instinct was to just push him out of there and into the car.  I remain thankful that he didn't ask about Jim or his dog Zach (who was put down). 



Mom, Ned, me and Jim

 We took some time to drive through my dad's hometown and my brother and I had a good time reminiscing about our summers with our grandma. We went past Taylor's where we used to get candy and the empty lot where the hoagie shop used to be.  We also drove by Grandma's trailer which is now occupied by someone who takes no pride in their home and it looks like a junkyard.  Sad to see.

We then went to the facility where Jim is living.  His stroke affected his right side and we knew before we got there that he was having trouble with his speech.  Anyhow, when we walked in, he burst into tears and after hugging my mom the first thing out of his mouth was "Where is Ned?  Have you seen Ned?".  We could understand every word. Jim didn't even know where his partner of 54 years had been taken. Oh, my heart started breaking at that instant and it still hurts.  We attempted to visit with Jim but it was difficult as he is having trouble coming up with the words he wants to say and instead uses the wrong word or a garbled word or just letters as he did when trying to describe something to us.  The beginning of a sentence would be clear and concise and then it would just drop off and end with something that didn't make sense.  You could see his frustration. Tears would come and go and he would apologize to us, I think for not being able to care for Ned. You could tell that Jim was in there-his brain unaffected but he just wasn't able to express himself.  At the end of our visit, my mother said goodbye while holding back the tears and asked my brother and I to take Jim back up to his room which we did.  We told him we loved him and he said it back to us while holding on tight to my hand, with tears streaming down his face.  We left his room and it was all I could do to keep my composure until we got down to the lobby where my mother was.  Once I saw the tears streaming down her face, I lost it.  I wanted to scream, "Why aren't they together?  Why didn't anyone make sure they were in the same home?".  The problem is they are looked at as two separate people.  Not a loving couple.  Part of me wants to just put my life here on hold and go to PA until we can get them together again.  

As of this afternoon (it's Monday-it's taken me a couple days to write this), my mom has made some phone calls and we're hopeful that the wheels are in motion to at least get them at the same home.  Many thanks to Ned's financial POA, a very kind woman at the bank for helping us.  I feel as though she may be going above and beyond her normal duties and for that I'm thankful. 

I know everyone has their own opinion about this and I respect that. However, I have always been in favor of giving all people, regardless of their sexual orientation, the same rights. It makes no sense to me to discriminate based on who a person loves. What I witnessed Friday affirmed my belief that no one should be denied the right to marry or at least legalize their union. Whatever you want to call it, it should be available to all.

Ned, Mom and Jim, doing something we did alot of when together



Where did the summer go?

So I started this post on August 28th.  It is now Oct 4th.  Life has been busy!!  

It was just the end of 5th grade.  Now Evan has been in 6th grade for 4 days.  I don't like time going by so fast! We had a great summer even though part of it was interrupted by my foot surgery. But, the good news on that is my foot is healing, I can drive again and I can start going to the gym!  10/4-Evan has now been in middle school for about 6 wks and he's loving it.  According to him it's a piece of cake.  

Our big summer trip was supposed to start on June 30th BUT we ended up leaving on June 29th after a crazy storm blew through Columbus.  At 4:30 p.m., we lost power AND had a big limb fall from our tree and block our driveway.  Of course, I was having a stroke by this point.  Our wonderful neighbors immediately descended upon our house and helped move the limb (and subsequently cleaned up our yard and cut up the branches when we were gone).  Given our history with power outages (it was out for 8 days) and the magnitude of the storm, I knew we wouldn't get our power back on so we made the decision to load up and get the hell out of Dodge!  After that rocky beginning, we had the best vacation. We stayed in KOA campgrounds along the way and now I think my husband is hooked on camping! We went to the Badlands, the Black Hills of SD, Devil's Tower, Yellowstone.  And, I managed to cross off two more states so now I've been to 46 states.  I am determined to get to all 50!! 

My fear

Ever since my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2001, I've had this overwhelming fear that I too will be diagnosed with the disease.  I have been getting mammograms for about 10 years now and on two different occasions I have received that dreaded letter from OSU that says we need you to come back and get additional imaging.  They've always explained that it's because my breasts are dense and the radiologist isn't seeing anything in particular but he just needs a different view by getting additional compressions than a normal mammogram.  On those occasions, the radiologist has read them while I'm still there and on both occasions will come out and say I'm free to go.  This time was different.  I went in for my regular mammogram on May 25th.While in D.C.the following week for a conference, I had a voicemail from my doctor's office telling me I needed to go back in for additional images and a possible ultrasound.  I had a feeling it wasn't for the same reason as before.  When I got home, I made my appointment for June 15th.  A couple days before my appointment, my doctor's office called yet again (something they've never done) to see if I had been back yet and if not, when was my appointment.  During this call, they told me to be ready not only for a possible ultrasound, but a possible biopsy as well.  WHAT??  That really made me nervous.  

June 15th arrives and I went in first thing in the morning.  They took me back for the additional imaging and the tech's language was very different than before.  She said the radiologist wanted a look at a certain area so at that point I really knew things were different than before.  I went back to the waiting room and a few minutes later the tech came out and said an ultrasound was needed.  Gulp.  So, tears fill my eyes and my mind immediately went to the worse case scenario.  I didn't think of myself-I thought of Evan.  At that point, I wished I had taken my mom up on her offer to come to the appointment with me!  The good thing is that they didn't keep me waiting too long before the ultrasound.  After it was over, the tech had me stay in the room until she showed the results to the radiologist. Those few minutes were the longest of my life.  She came back in and said that the radiologist feels that what they were looking at is benign because it's cyst-like in structure.  Wait, what?  You FEEL it's benign?  Then I get a letter from OSU that states it APPEARS it's benign.  I'm not sure I feel 100% comfortable with their choice of words!  So, I'm to go back in 6 months for another ultrasound.  That seems like an awfully long time to look again at something they feel is benign.  Deep breath.........

The end of 5th grade

Evan "graduated" from 5th grade on May 31st.  The day before they had their last awards ceremony.  After crying through all his honor roll awards, you can imagine my surprise when the principal awarded her All-Star Principal award to Evan.  She gives it to one 5th grader each year.  Before she said his name, she talked about how this student is smart, kind, honest and an all around good person.  I am so very proud of him. 

All that kept going through my mind those two days were all the things the doctors told us during Evan's first couple years.  One told us he may never eat by mouth.  One told us he may never have a voice.  Another said we should probably make an appointment with physical medicine to fit him for a wheelchair since he wasn't walking at 18 months.  Well, at the 5th grade dinner at Spaghetti Warehouse, Evan ate a huge piece of lasagna.  He gave a speech at the 5th grade advancement ceremony.  He walked up to receive his awards. Need I say more?

The Tuesday Club

My mom will be 85 next month.  Last week she spent two nights with six girlfriends-women she has known since high school.  She traveled to East Aurora NY which is their hometown. One friend came from Colorado, one from South Carolina, one from France via her daughter's in Connecticut and the other two are still in Western NY. Two of the women she has known since 1st grade-can you imagine?  Back in the day they called themselves The Tuesday Club. No reason why.  They just felt their group needed a name! They have had gatherings every few years since the 90s (I think). She was elected to write a Tuesday Club song and my dad came up with this after their gathering in 1998.  I never knew about "the song" until I was driving her home last week.  It made me laugh and cry because she had a perfect recollection of she and Dad driving along and coming up with the words. She said when they sang it last week, they all cried.  My guess is they all knew that this was probably their last hurrah. I can only hope I am lucky enough to have friends for 75 years.  Here are the words:

 





Vet Day 2012

I know I've written about Vet Day before but I'm going to do it again. :-) Friday was Evan's last Vet Day at Colerain.  This is a day when students from the OSU vet college come to Colerain with their personal animals as well as animals from the college.  Every year my heart is a bit heavy when I drop Evan off at school on that day because I think of my dad and I know he would love the fact that his is happening at his grandson's school.  This doesn't happen at any other school.  This year was even harder because we are nearing the end of Evan's time at Colerain so this was his last one.  I can't believe his elementary years are coming to an end.  I remember so clearly the months prior to kindergarten when we struggled to get him into Colerain and finally got word 5 days before school started that he got in.  I'm sad, apprehensive and somewhat scared for him to move onto middle school.  He's ready but I'm not sure I am!  He has grown and thrived at Colerain but sometimes I wonder if I did him a disservice by sending him there. It's such a small, unique school and the group from Colerain will be the smallest one feeding into his middle school.  I'm going to be a mess the month of May as school comes to an end and then I will be a nervous wreck all summer with the anticipation of his transition to middle school.  I think I will need to be medicated!

My Uncle Jim

On February 8th, my sweet Uncle Jim joined many of our other family members in heaven.  The idea of heaven brings me great comfort when a loved one dies. I picture my grandma, my father, Uncle Bob, Uncle Dick, Aunt Kay, Aunt Margie and now Uncle Jim sitting around my grandma's dining room table as they did so many times here on earth.  Uncle Jim was one of a kind.  He was a kind, gentle, sweet soul.  He did so much for others and continued to right up until the end.  He worked with the homeless, he volunteered in the elementary school and helped children with reading, he was always there when help was needed at church.  He gave so much of himself and asked for nothing in return. He was a true Christian.  His memorial service was wonderful tribute to the man he was.  As the minister said over and over again, he was an encourager.  He always had a kind word for everyone he met.  He took a true interest in people. I have so many memories of Uncle Jim.  I wouldn't even know where to start.  I remember when I was 16 and had just gotten my license.   I was down at their house in Cincinnati (where I spent alot of time in the summers) and my cousin Cathy and I wanted to go to the pool.  Uncle Jim gave me permission to take his gold Ford Torino and what did I do?  I scraped it on the garage.  I was so upset but Uncle Jim didn't even bat an eye.  "Accidents happen" he said. When I worked for Great-West Life in the 90s, I spent alot of time in Cincinnati and Northern KY and instead of staying in a hotel, I would stay with Uncle Jim and Aunt Margie.  It was always nice to have a home to go to at the end of a long day rather than a lonely hotel room.  Aunt Margie went to bed fairly early and Uncle Jim was a night owl like me so on my occasions, we would sit and watch TV in comfortable silence or we would talk about books.  We both loved John Sandford books-he writes about a detective named Lucas Davenport and all the book titles have the word "Prey" in them.  I think of Uncle Jim every time a new one comes out. We vacationed together, we spent holidays together, we were family together.

With each death, we lose one more member of an entire generation.  The end of an era. My cousins and I are now considered the older generation.  sigh........

Rest in peace Uncle Jim.  I love you.

 Dad and Uncle Jim 1968

 Dad, cousin Alan and Uncle Jim

My cousin Jim and Uncle Jim, 3 days before he died

If I Was President-Evan Slifer, 2/22/12

Evan's Autobiography

Evan is Eleven

Where has the time gone?  My sweet little boy turned 11 on the 18th.  My sweet little boy that will probably be taller than me in the next couple years since he's up to my shoulders now.  We started the day with breakfast at Beechwold Diner and ended the day with the family at El Vaquero.  Yes, we eat our way through birthdays.  Of course the celebration didn't end there.  He invited 3 friends to go see the movie "Red Tails" on Saturday and then they all came back for a sleepover.  YIKES!!  They are really good boys but now that they are in 5th grade, they are bigger and louder than they were in 1st/2nd grade. I THINK they stayed up all night.  I say that because Evan fell asleep while his friend were still here about 10 a.m. Sunday morning and slept about 3 hours THEN slept 12 hours Sunday night.  A good time was had by all.