10 years

Ten years ago this morning, the first man I ever loved left this earth.  My dad. I haven't hugged him, talked to him, heard his laugh or his voice in ten years.  10 years.  It doesn't seem possible.  I think of him daily and he's in my heart but I miss his physical presence so much.  So much that it makes my heart ache sometimes. There are still times when something will happen and I will think, if only for a split second, oh, I need to call Dad and tell him this. It's weird how your mind works.   He was my cheerleader, my shoulder to cry on and a living example of a true Christian.  He had love in his heart for all people.  He was also the smartest man I will ever know.  He worked hard for his education and even harder to provide for his family. 

September 5th, 2005.  We had all been together out at the house in London on the 5th-it was Labor Day and we had gathered as a family to celebrate my nephew Sam's 16th birthday as well as our 6th anniversary.  Dad had been diagnosed with ALS almost a year prior to this day and while he was deteriorating pretty rapidly, we had no idea the end was near.  We had had a discussion with him about 3 days prior about his need for a catheter and getting a hospital bed in the house because physically, we just couldn't get him in and out of bed anymore. He wasn't happy about that but we really had no choice other than have him go to a nursing care facility and none of us wanted that.  He wanted to be at home. He had started to have some respiratory issues (he used a BiPap machine) and trouble swallowing but he had made it clear in his medical directive that he did not want to be trached/vented nor did he want a feeding tube.  Anyhow, we said our goodbyes on the 5th and I told him I loved him and that I'd see him tomorrow.  I was going to pick Evan up from preschool and come out and help my mom with him that afternoon. Nothing out of the ordinary.  I went to bed not knowing just how much my world would change the next morning.

September 6, 2005. The phone rang about 6:15 a.m. and Mike jumped out of bed to answer it.  I got up as well and as he hung up the phone, he turned to me and said, he's gone.  It took me a second to realize what he was talking about because, while ALS was ravaging his body, he was not near death.  We were told we needed to get out there as soon as possible if we wanted to see him before the funeral home came.  We got Evan up and told him and I think that was the hardest thing I've had to do yet. He adored my dad.  He was 4 1/2 and getting ready that day to start his last year of preschool-that's why Sept. 6th was supposed to be a monumental day in our house that year, not the death of Grandpa.

When we arrived in London, I went into the living room where his body was.  I felt a sense of comfort immediately when I looked at him because I knew Dad was in heaven. The body before me was just that.  Dad's soul and spirit was elsewhere.  I kissed his head and told him I loved him and that he was no longer suffering. It turned out to be a beautiful blue sky day, just as Dad would have loved.

We all gathered at the big dining room table where we all sat for quite awhile, alternating between laughter and tears.  Cathy and Mike went out for Krispy Kreme doughnuts and Egg McMuffins-I will never forget that! People stopped by all day and new tears would start again along with more laughter.  Food was brought, flowers were dropped off.  It was overwhelming to see how much he meant to people not only in the church but in the town of London. It sounds kind of strange to actually say this out loud, but it was kind of a fun day, one I didn't want to end.  Yes, we were emotionally and physically exhausted but the gathering of people at his home was something Dad loved. And gathered they did!

Now to today.  I have been thinking a lot about these past 10 years.  I don't feel as though much as changed in my life, although I hadn't been working at the hospital when he died.  I like to think he'd be proud of the work I've done these past 8 years in the place where Evan's journey began.  I've run a half marathon and I've gotten myself in pretty good shape but other than that, I've just gotten older (I'm 52-yikes!).  What strikes me the most is how much his grandsons have changed in these past 10 years.  Jack was 19, Sam 16 and Evan 4.  A lot happens when you are young and 10 years go by.  Jack is now happily married with an almost 4 month old baby boy who was named after my dad. Sam, as of last week, is now happily married as well.  Both hard working, respectable young men. Sweet and caring too.  Evan went from a small boy in preschool to a 5'9" high school freshman.  So many milestones have been reached by these three and my dad was not there to witness them. That's when it hits me that he's really been gone 10 years.

ALS is a cruel and ugly disease.  It was so hard to watch my dad's body fail him when his mind was still so sharp. That's what this disease does to people. We had decided to participate in our first Walk to Defeat ALS before he died and had hoped to walk in his honor but instead, three weeks after his death, walked in him memory.  We have walked every year ever since. We will continue to walk until there is a cure.

To be continued....... 

His last day

This is how I think of him

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What happened to the first half of 2013???

Obviously I have not been very good at blogging this year and I'm not even going to try to play catch up.  My poor 50 year old brain can't handle that.  Yep.  THAT happened.  I turned 50.  I'm trying to embrace it and remember that I'm 50 and fabulous.  It's my mantra every day when I look in the mirror. 

Soooo, I'll start with the most recent events in my life.  

Last week I took a trip to our hometown of East Aurora NY with my mom, sister Liz and brother Jay.  That's it.  Just the 4 of us together.  What a special weekend it was for all of us.  Lots of laughs and some tears.  Many memories.  We were able to actually go inside our home at 305 Grover Rd which is the first house I remember.  We were there from '63-'69.  I started kindergarten at that house, learned how to ride my bike at that house and it was the beginning of many memories which included our extended family.  We stopped to just look at the house and the owner was outside.  She was thrilled that we were there and she invited us in.  I'll tell you, tears immediately came to my eyes when I walked in and saw that the kitchen was exactly how I remember it to be.  Took my breath away.  

We also thought it would be fun to re-created the shopping cart incident.  I don't need to say anything more.

We also visited our old elementary school. 

Ahhh, such wonderful memories.  We also celebrated my mom's 86th birthday while there.  I give thanks every day that she is still here with us and that I was blessed with such an incredible mother. I admire her strength, her faith and the lives that she has touched.  She has no idea how much she means to people. She is my rock.

So, here we are.  Half of 2013 is over.  My half year resolution is to get back to writing more.  There.  I said it and it's out there so it has to happen.

Merry Christmas!

The Last Day

My dad and my sweet boy on the last day my father was alive.  Sept. 5th, 2005.  I have never seen this picture until today.  As you can imagine, it brought tears to my eyes.  I miss him every day.

Ned and Jim

My dad was an only child and he was extremely close to his older cousin Ned, also an only child. They were more like brothers rather than cousins.  Ned is gay and my dad was always accepting of that.  Ned has a partner-his name is Jim-and they've been together for over 50 years. Many heterosexual couples don't stay together as long as they have.  They have been in my life my entire life.  We share so many memories.


Here we are at the Slifer House in PA. Ned is in front, my dad in the middle with my grandma and Jim to the right of Dad

Ned was diagnosed with Alzheimer's a few years ago.  He has remained in their home with Jim being his one and only caregiver.  The two of them lived a lonely life-they relied on each other for everything and didn't really reach out to too many people. I suppose I can't blame them.  I'm sure life was hard for them in the beginning-people were not very accepting nor understanding back in the 50s. 

Unfortunately, Jim had a stroke about 3 weeks ago.  We were made aware of this by a social worker from the hospital Jim was taken to. They ended up admitting Ned as well since they couldn't leave him at the house alone.  My mom is listed as Ned's contingent power of attorney for any medical decisions so the social worker tracked her down.  They couldn't keep him there though and he was shortly moved to the dementia unit of a nearby nursing home.  Jim remained in the hospital for a few more days and was then moved to another facility.  Jim has an older sister (he is 83, his sister is 87) and she has been making decisions for him.  We don't know much about her but we don't think they were very close.  So, we decided to make a trip to Williamsport PA to visit them as well as meet with their attorney and Ned's financial POA at their local bank.  Mom, my brother Jay and I left on Thursday and returned Saturday.  It was a whirlwind trip full of memories, tears and even some laughter. 

Our first stop on Friday morning was to see Ned at the nursing home.  An aide took us to him and told him he had visitors.  I was the first one he saw and he immediately said "I don't know you" which made me sad. Of course I understood but it was sad nonetheless.  He knew Mom though and then as soon as she told him who I was and who Jay was, he knew us and remembered us the entire visit.  He started to cry which of course made me want to cry.  Most of our visit went well-you wouldn't know there was anything wrong. We actually had some laughs just like the old days.  Until the subject of home was brought up.  No, he didn't even mention Jim which I suppose was good because up until that point I was afraid Ned was scared and wondering where Jim was.  He brought up his mother and aunt (my grandma) and wondered why they didn't call my mom to tell her where he was.  Mom had to tell him they were gone and had been for a long time.  She also had to remind him that Dad was gone too.  He started sobbing and it just about broke my heart.  Unfortunately, it was not the first time during the visit that we had to tell him they had all died.  He also cried when we left and my first instinct was to just push him out of there and into the car.  I remain thankful that he didn't ask about Jim or his dog Zach (who was put down). 



Mom, Ned, me and Jim

 We took some time to drive through my dad's hometown and my brother and I had a good time reminiscing about our summers with our grandma. We went past Taylor's where we used to get candy and the empty lot where the hoagie shop used to be.  We also drove by Grandma's trailer which is now occupied by someone who takes no pride in their home and it looks like a junkyard.  Sad to see.

We then went to the facility where Jim is living.  His stroke affected his right side and we knew before we got there that he was having trouble with his speech.  Anyhow, when we walked in, he burst into tears and after hugging my mom the first thing out of his mouth was "Where is Ned?  Have you seen Ned?".  We could understand every word. Jim didn't even know where his partner of 54 years had been taken. Oh, my heart started breaking at that instant and it still hurts.  We attempted to visit with Jim but it was difficult as he is having trouble coming up with the words he wants to say and instead uses the wrong word or a garbled word or just letters as he did when trying to describe something to us.  The beginning of a sentence would be clear and concise and then it would just drop off and end with something that didn't make sense.  You could see his frustration. Tears would come and go and he would apologize to us, I think for not being able to care for Ned. You could tell that Jim was in there-his brain unaffected but he just wasn't able to express himself.  At the end of our visit, my mother said goodbye while holding back the tears and asked my brother and I to take Jim back up to his room which we did.  We told him we loved him and he said it back to us while holding on tight to my hand, with tears streaming down his face.  We left his room and it was all I could do to keep my composure until we got down to the lobby where my mother was.  Once I saw the tears streaming down her face, I lost it.  I wanted to scream, "Why aren't they together?  Why didn't anyone make sure they were in the same home?".  The problem is they are looked at as two separate people.  Not a loving couple.  Part of me wants to just put my life here on hold and go to PA until we can get them together again.  

As of this afternoon (it's Monday-it's taken me a couple days to write this), my mom has made some phone calls and we're hopeful that the wheels are in motion to at least get them at the same home.  Many thanks to Ned's financial POA, a very kind woman at the bank for helping us.  I feel as though she may be going above and beyond her normal duties and for that I'm thankful. 

I know everyone has their own opinion about this and I respect that. However, I have always been in favor of giving all people, regardless of their sexual orientation, the same rights. It makes no sense to me to discriminate based on who a person loves. What I witnessed Friday affirmed my belief that no one should be denied the right to marry or at least legalize their union. Whatever you want to call it, it should be available to all.

Ned, Mom and Jim, doing something we did alot of when together



Where did the summer go?

So I started this post on August 28th.  It is now Oct 4th.  Life has been busy!!  

It was just the end of 5th grade.  Now Evan has been in 6th grade for 4 days.  I don't like time going by so fast! We had a great summer even though part of it was interrupted by my foot surgery. But, the good news on that is my foot is healing, I can drive again and I can start going to the gym!  10/4-Evan has now been in middle school for about 6 wks and he's loving it.  According to him it's a piece of cake.  

Our big summer trip was supposed to start on June 30th BUT we ended up leaving on June 29th after a crazy storm blew through Columbus.  At 4:30 p.m., we lost power AND had a big limb fall from our tree and block our driveway.  Of course, I was having a stroke by this point.  Our wonderful neighbors immediately descended upon our house and helped move the limb (and subsequently cleaned up our yard and cut up the branches when we were gone).  Given our history with power outages (it was out for 8 days) and the magnitude of the storm, I knew we wouldn't get our power back on so we made the decision to load up and get the hell out of Dodge!  After that rocky beginning, we had the best vacation. We stayed in KOA campgrounds along the way and now I think my husband is hooked on camping! We went to the Badlands, the Black Hills of SD, Devil's Tower, Yellowstone.  And, I managed to cross off two more states so now I've been to 46 states.  I am determined to get to all 50!!